Responses to Attention: Overbearing Asian Parents

by Philip Guo (contact info)

How people found my article

According to Google Analytics, the vast majority of people found my Attention: Overbearing Asian Parents article by searching for "asian parents" (as of 2008-12-28, my article is the #1 hit on Google for that search term). For instance, one reader writes:

Other common Google searches were for related terms:

• "asian parenting"
• "overbearing asian parents"
• "asian parents pressure"
• "difficult asian parents"
• "asian parents hard to live with".
• "what to do about asian parents"
• "i hate my asian parents"

Regarding parents whose primary goal is to get their children into a top-ranked college

Ironically, some readers are precisely the kinds of parents whom my article caustically rails against; overbearing parents found this article by doing Google searches for terms like the following:

• "how to get my child into harvard"
• "how parents prepare my kids to go to best college"
• "asian kid top college"
• "my kid hates extracurricular activities"

Here is one representative example:

It seems like this parent totally missed the purpose of my article, but oh well, I guess everything is open to personal interpretation :/

Another reader pointed out how he could understand how these parents could be so blindly devoted to their goal of getting their kids into top-ranked colleges that they could even read an article as oppositional as mine and still try to scour it for tips:

An elementary school teacher from Temecula, California pointed out to me that this obsessive nagging behavior begins as early as when the child is in elementary school:

I especially liked her observation about how kids who are pushed early-on during elementary school tend to have their progress "flatten out by 4th or 5th grade"; that's analogous to my hunch that kids who are pushed during their teenage years tend to have their progress 'flatten out' (or even regress) by the time they begin college.

Regarding traditional Asian parenting style

Traditional Asian parenting style dictates that children should be blindly obedient and unflinchingly respectful to their parents. For these parents, any amount of expressed dissent is tantamount to intolerable disrespect. It seems to me that depriving kids of the opportunity to express their feelings in a comfortable environment is a great detriment to their chances of thriving as adults in a competitive world where they need to speak up at times without fear of reprisal.

A 14-year-old Chinese-American boy wrote to me expressing his frustrations at his parents for not allowing him to express his dissatisfaction with verbal abuse they've incurred upon him:

Another reader eloquently draws a distinction between Eastern and Western parenting philosophies:

A first-generation Taiwan-born immigrant mother, who is proud of the fact that she is not one of these overbearing parents, chimed in with harsh criticisms of her peers:

Regarding low self-esteem and depression

I know that Asian parents are known to have excruciatingly high standards for their kids' report cards, but this was still a bit ridiculous:

All kidding aside, a common theme that pervades many of the longer emails I receive is how strict Asian parenting and pressures for kids to excel academically while neglecting all other aspects of life have led to kids having low self-esteem and depression.

Mental health is a taboo subject in Asian societies, much more so than in the West. In Asian cultures, people don't speak of self-esteem, depression, seeing psychiatrists, or taking medications for psychological disorders; any admission of mental health issues is seen as a great personal weakness, and more detrimentally, a shame to the family.

Overwhelming parental pressure to excel academically, combined with a culture that discourages open communication about one's feelings, leads to kids bottling up their pent-up frustrations and resenting their parents. Here is a Bangladeshi girl recounting growing up in the US under traditional first-generation immigrant parents:

The 14-year-old Chinese boy quoted earlier continues his email to me by mentioning the causes of his depression and lack of motivation:

Clearly his parents' excessive pressures are backfiring; this kid has lost motivation to do well in school because he is constantly haunted by anxiety over his parents' reactions to his academic achievements.

An Asian-American woman in her mid-20's summarizes her memories of childhood in bleak terms, citing academic pressures and a filial obligation to care for her parents (despite their being the cause of her depression) as the sources of her frustrations:

The aptly titled 2007 CNN Health article, Push to achieve tied to suicide in Asian-American women, summarizes academic studies on the links between family pressures and suicides amongst Asian-American women, especially young adults like the one quoted in the above snippet.

Regarding parents not taking their child's personalities and interests into account

Asian parents tend to subscribe to the 'blank slate' view of human nature, in which children aren't born with natural predispositions or strengths and thus can be 'molded' like clay to their parents' desires. Decades of cognitive science research have laid waste to this myth (read The Blank Slate for a comprehensive summary), but overbearing Asian parents stubbornly hold onto this notion, which is aligned with their traditional world-view.

The Bangladeshi girl continues her email by describing how her father desperately tried to mold her into becoming an electrical engineer, a career which she has absolutely no interest in doing for herself:

Unfortunately, even if this girl does make it through her Electrical Engineering degree program (perhaps with honors) to redeem herself in her parents' eyes, it is unlikely that she will find lasting satisfaction in a job as an electrical engineer. Not only has she not developed an interest in the subject matter, even worse, she will always be haunted by the trauma of her parents forcing her to pursue such a career path against her will. If given a free choice, wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that she would be far happier, more productive, and more successful pursuing another profession? Wouldn't she feel more proud of herself if she could find a major in which she excelled because it matched better with her natural strengths and interests?

Here, the Asian-American woman in her mid-20's recounts her resentment for her father wanting her to become a businesswoman and inherit the family business:

This woman's resentment stems in part from the fact that she did earnestly try to learn math and business to please her parents, but they didn't seem to recognize her efforts. When she found out that she was no good at these subjects, her parents continually nagged her by making snarky comparisons to their friend's overachieving daughter instead of either compassionately encouraging her to try harder or working with her to figure out an alternative career path.

For a refreshing change, an email I received brought up the interesting point that oftentimes parents who are smarter and better-educated know not to forcefully prod their kids, since they realize that natural abilities and personalities play crucial roles in determining how well kids will do learning particular subjects:

I'm sure there's some social science study that aims to correlate immigrant parents' education levels (and alma mater status) with their willingness to poke and prod their children to excel academically in the way that they see fit; if this reader's claim is correct, then there should be an inverse correlation.

Regarding kids falling apart once in college

Overbearing Asian parents neglect to realize that after all the pushing and prodding to get their kids into a good college, it is then up to the kids to chart their own course. Many of these kids unfortunately struggle and flounder in college for several reasons: First, they are probably less capable and less emotionally-prepared than their peers to survive the rigors of a competitive college, since their parents' prodding artificially increased their credentials so that they could get into higher-ranked schools than they could ordinarily get into without such prodding (what my article calls the position inflation problem). Furthermore, their parents deprived them of opportunities to learn to interact with other kids, to socialize, to talk back and argue, and other soft skills crucial for succeeding as young adults. Even worse, now that these kids are far away from their overbearing parents' watchful (tyrannical) gaze, they might feel compelled to go ass-wild partying, binge drinking, doing hard drugs, and letting out all of their repressed frustrations built-up over almost two decades of living under their parents' rule.

These parents might see admission into a top-ranked college as a paramount goal, but in reality, college is only a means to an end, and that end is success and fulfillment in life. If kids can't even properly survive college, then all of that prodding has done way more damage than benefit.

A fellow MIT student mentioned how, like me, she had also heard from her parents about how kids of family friends floundered and went ass-wild in college:

That same student also mentioned how she thought good time management skills were crucial for succeeding in college and also sorely missing in many kids who were prodded by overbearing parents:

Another reader tells of a Korean friend who attended Caltech, a top-ranked college focusing in math and science:

A recent college graduate from Malaysia helped make my claims more general by noting that such overbearing parents are prevalent not only in the US but also throughout Asia, and how children who grow up prodded by such parents have troubles adjusting to adult life after college, not just during college itself:

Parting thoughts

The mid-20's woman whose father wanted her to take over the family business (against her own desires) concludes her email expressing relief at being able to finally tear herself away and be her own person:

The Bangladeshi girl whose father wanted to mold her into an electrical engineer concludes her email with an earnest plea for parents like hers:

To conclude on an optimistic note, I'm glad that this first-generation Taiwan-born immigrant mother has a clear idea of what's genuinely important for kids to grow up learning:

And another similar email from a Chinese mother who wants her kids to have 'big muscle' over getting super-stressed about academic achievement:

You may directly respond to issues raised in this article by posting in the discussion forum.